


Lost in Translation

by Lys ap Adin (lysapadin)



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Alien Rituals, Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-11
Updated: 2016-09-18
Packaged: 2018-08-14 13:32:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,576
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8015872
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lysapadin/pseuds/Lys%20ap%20Adin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Five times human ideas about sex clash with alien ideas.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Fertility Rituals

**Author's Note:**

> I love tropes as much as the next fangirl, but I'm also incapable of not laughing at them sometimes. So here we are.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> > "You know," Lance said thoughtfully, "even with all the times I thought about having sex with aliens, I never pictured it like this?"

"You know," Lance said thoughtfully, "even with all the times I thought about having sex with aliens, I never pictured it like this?"

"Shut up, Lance," Keith said.

" _Please_ ," Pidge added.

Lance continued on, undeterred. "I'm just saying. Sexy alien royalty throwing themselves into my arms, yeah, great. Strange alien fertility rituals, sign me up. Kinky religious ceremonies to placate the gods, I'm in. Heck, a certain amount of tentacles, okay, why not, I'm an open-minded, cosmopolitan kind of guy—"

" _Please_ shut up," Pidge said, clearly horrified. "Tentacles, oh my _God_."

"What, like you've never thought about it," Lance scoffed. 

"I can honestly say I haven't!" Pidge snapped. "Show of hands, guys, how many of you have never thought about tentacles in conjunction with sex?" There was a brief silence then as everyone avoided everyone else's eyes. "Oh my God, you guys are _disgusting_."

Shiro cleared his throat. "Is this really the time to be judgmental?"

" _Anyway_ ," Lance said over the sounds of Pidge's emphatic _It's always time to be judgmental!_ "Like I was saying. This is _not_ how I pictured having sex with an alien for the first time."

"I like that _first_ ," Keith told Shiro. He didn't even bother to lower his voice, the jerk. 

Shiro shrugged. "You can't fault his optimism."

" _Hey_ ," Lance said, offended by this. 

Hunk patted his shoulder. "Sorry, buddy, but I mean, think about it. It's been, like, _years_ since we became paladins of Voltron. And this is the first time sex with aliens has come up. So to speak, anyway."

"That we know of," Pidge said morosely. "I mean, if _this_ counts as sex with aliens, anyway—"

"We are definitely involved in the reproductive process. It totally counts," Lance declared.

"—then for all we know, the paladins of Voltron have been fucking their way across the galaxy all along."

They contemplated that in silence. Lance didn't know about the rest of them, but he was rethinking some of their encounters with other species in light of their current circumstances and not exactly enjoying it. After all, the thing with the X'tla? He shuddered.

Hunk was turning green. "I'm never going to feel clean again," he moaned.

"The Cremorians?" Keith asked.

Hunk shook his head. "The Spra-fi'nali."

Pidge gagged and Lance came close to doing the same. "I _really_ wish you hadn't reminded me of that one, big guy."

"Sorry," Hunk said. "But Keith did ask."

"And I have so many regrets about asking," Keith said. "I thought the Cremorians were bad. I'd managed to completely repress the Spra-fi'nali."

"How?" Lance asked, wistful. 

"I banged my head against the closest wall until I lost consciousness."

Lance squinted at him, but Keith's deadpan game was too strong. It was even odds whether he was bullshitting or actually had knocked himself out in an effort to forget the Spra-fi'nali thing. If it had actually _worked_ , well. The castle-ship had lots of walls, and blunt force trauma to the head was a small price to pay for some things.

"At least this isn't that bad," Shiro said. "It's hardly the worst thing we've suffered as paladins of Voltron."

"I wouldn't really call it suffering at all," Pidge said, frowning. "I mean, it's weird as hell, but when you put it up against some of the other shit we've done in the name of Voltron…"

" _I'm_ suffering," Lance said, which earned him a collection of skeptical looks. "I am! From the destruction of some of my most cherished fantasies about aliens."

"I'm suffering from _you_ ," Keith said, tone flat. "Not that that's anything unusual."

"Please don't start," Shiro said while Lance was still marshalling a retort. "I've already got a headache, guys, please don't make it worse."

Pidge snorted. "You should've told the Kiyoni that, they might have let you off the hook."

Shiro cracked a smile at that. "What, you think the Kiyoni would get the whole 'Not tonight, dear' excuse?"

"Would have been worth a shot," Hunk said. "Weirder things have transcended species than that one." He leaned over the cart to retrieve another of the Kiyoni eggs and brightened. "Hey, I can see the bottom, guys!" He lifted an egg out of the bin and passed it off to Lance, who dipped his brush in what he was pretty sure was just a bucket of Kiyoni jizz and painted some of the goo over the egg. He handed it off to Keith, whose stupid gloves were _never_ going to be the same, and Keith passed it up to Shiro, who installed it in the next empty cell in the sacred Kiyoni breeding wall. He stepped out of the way and Pidge moved in to spackle the egg and its cell over with the special protective Kiyoni breeding goo. 

"Great," Lance said as Hunk fetched up another egg. "That leaves, what, ten more to go?"

"Twelve," Pidge said wearily.

"That's progress, right, guys?" Shiro said. "And just remember how pleased the Kiyoni are with us for assisting them with this important task." 

Lance had to give him points for at least trying to sound upbeat about it. It didn't work, but God knew the man did try. It was just too bad that they'd agreed to lend the blessings of Voltron's paladins to the next generation of Kiyoni warriors _before_ they'd asked for details. "This is the worst alien sex _ever_ ," he muttered resentfully, dipping his brush in the bucket of alien jizz to fertilize another egg. "They could have at least had the decency to send a couple of hot aliens over to cheerlead for us, you know?"

Keith frowned. "Your definition of 'hot aliens' must be a lot more flexible than mine," he said. "Unless you're into bugs, I guess. Which, if you are, I'm definitely judging you."

"So am I," Pidge called down from the sacred breeding wall.

"Pidge, you never stop judging me, and I didn't say they had to be _Kiyoni_ ," Lance told them. "Just, you know, generic hot aliens. I don't think that's too much to ask from the aliens who are making us have sex for them."

"Just focus on the alliance the Kiyoni are bringing with them," Shiro sighed. "That's the important part, right?"

"Right," Keith said, because of course he was going to agree with anything Shiro had to say. 

Lance sighed and looked down the row of waiting egg bins. "Worst sex _ever_ ," he said again as Hunk passed another egg to him. 

It was gonna be a long damn day.


	2. Marital Customs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> > Predictably enough, Lance was the one who found his voice first after that bombshell. "A what- _what_ now?" he demanded. Shiro couldn't blame him for the way his voice cracked. "Coran, buddy, tell me you didn't just say what I think you just said."

None of them knew any better until after the fact—why would they? They were still relatively new to the whole defenders of the universe thing, and as Shiro pointed out, even his experience with aliens was actually pretty limited, especially taking into consideration just how many things he didn't remember. 

So yeah, the first clue they got came after the castle-ship had left the atmosphere for space and Coran congratulated them. "Well done, all of you!" he enthused. "That was an excellent show of quick thinking on your parts."

Shiro hadn't thought they'd done too badly for themselves, but all the same, he wasn't sure they deserved this much praise. He would have hoped the princess and Coran had more faith in them than that, though a certain amount of reflection gave him the uneasy feeling that perhaps he didn't quite have the grounds for that. "Er, thanks, Coran."

But Coran wasn't done. "I hadn't realized you had it in you to bluff so well!" He turned to the others while Shiro was still trying to figure out what Coran thought they'd been bluffing over—he'd thought their discussions with the Lenk'terites had been rather straightforward, a chance to resupply the castle-ship and exchange information in return for the work they'd done clearing the Galra out of the Lenk'ter system. Now he wondered what he'd missed. "And you, young paladins! You played your parts to perfection!"

"What parts?" Keith asked. 

Coran elbowed him, chuckling. "Now, now, there's no need for any false modesty. Be proud of your accomplishments."

Keith moved out of range of his elbow and gave him an impatient look. "I am, when I know I've accomplished something."

The princess chose this moment to intervene; there was a hint of mischief in her smile. "Coran, you forget that our paladins have not had the breadth of experience we have. I don't believe they know how the Lenk'terites interpreted their bond."

Shiro had a sinking feeling that he wasn't going to like whatever was about to come next.

He didn't. 

Coran tapped a skinny finger against his chin. "Hm, perhaps you're right, Princess. In that case, I congratulate you all on your instincts!" He beamed at them. "Not everyone would have been able to impersonate a Lenk'terite-style group marriage so well!"

A _what_?

Predictably enough, Lance was the one who found his voice first after that bombshell. "A what- _what_ now?" he demanded. Shiro couldn't blame him for the way his voice cracked. "Coran, buddy, tell me you didn't just say what I think you just said."

Coran blinked at them owlishly while Allura covered her giggle with a polite hand. "Why would I want to do that?"

Shiro pinched the bridge of his nose in the probably vain hope that it would stave off the headache he could just _tell_ was trying to brew. "Should I ask why it was a good thing they thought we were in a group marriage first, or why we managed to give the giant lemur people the impression we were in a group marriage first?" When he checked on the team, Lance was sputtering and Hunk was looking like he thought the entire thing was hysterically funny. Pidge looked frankly appalled and Keith was wearing a blank look that could have meant anything.

The princess lowered her hand and smiled. "The Lenk'terite society places a high value on family bonds, especially the sort that individuals choose for themselves. I imagine they saw how close-knit you are as a team and drew what is, for them, a natural conclusion."

Now that she put it like that, Shiro could put a finger on the way the Lenk'terite leaders had seemed to warm to them more and more every time he'd referred to the other paladins as his team, no doubt fondly. And whatever their internal disagreements, they all pulled together in public. It all made a kind of sense. "Oh, geez."

Speaking of internal disagreements, Lance had put two and two together and was looking at Keith in horror. "Oh my God, they thought I was married to _this guy_?"

Pidge jumped in with both feet while Keith was still puffing up. "You think that's bad? They thought _I_ was married to all of _you_." She screwed up her face. "I have no idea why they think I'd put up with any of you. Well, maybe you, Shiro, or you, Hunk—"

Hunk beamed while Shiro was still blinking at that. "Aw, thanks, Pidge!"

"—but you and Keith? Nuh-uh, no way, no how."

"Why not me?" Keith wanted to know, while Lance clutched his chest and proclaimed that he was wounded, he was dying of a broken heart, he'd never recover from such cold words, etc. 

(Hunk patted him on the shoulder consolingly and said, "I'd be in a group marriage with you any day, bro.")

Pidge snorted. "Please. You're still practically feral half the time. Who has time for that?"

Lance left off the dramatics ("Hunk, my one true bro, I knew I could count on you!") and perked up. "Damn, Pidge, you are ice cold."

"I call them like I see them," Pidge told him calmly. "Did you need me to tell you why you don't have a shot with me?"

Lance waved a hand from where he was draped against Hunk's back. "Nah. My ego can't take your savagery. But you'll always be the ice queen of my heart!"

"Gross," Pidge said, smiling, and Lance made kissy faces at her.

Meanwhile Keith had sidled over to Shiro and turned a puzzled look on him. "What does she mean, _feral_?"

_That_ , Shiro decided, was not a conversation to be had in this place at this time. He dropped an arm around Keith's shoulder—which, God, the Lenk'terites probably would have had a field day with that. "Oh, probably that you've still got some rough edges on you still."

Keith didn't buy it, but he did accept that for now. He grimaced. "People are too sensitive."

"Sometimes," Shiro allowed. He turned his attention back to the Alteans. "This… group marriage thing… worked out well enough for us this time, but if it's possible, do you think you could brief us about this sort of thing ahead of time the next time we're likely to run into it? We might not always get as lucky as we did today."

Allura nodded, gracious. "Of course. I would have done so this time if I'd known it was necessary." She tipped her head to the side and gave him a curious look. "Do humans not have such things in their culture?"

"Cultures," Shiro corrected her, which made Coran cough something into his fist that sounded like _How adorably primitive_. "And… I don't really have the anthropological knowledge to answer that question for you, Princess." He laughed, a little wry. "But knowing our species, it's probably been tried at least a few times."

Allura smiled. "Your species does sound fascinating. I do look forward to the day we're able to see Earth."

Shiro glanced at where Lance, Hunk, and Pidge were now rough-housing with one another—again, the Lenk'terites would have loved that, wouldn't they?—and smiled at her. "I only hope that we'll live up to your expectations."

Allura patted his shoulder and gave him a reassuring smile. "I have no doubt that you will, given the five representatives I already know."

And _that_ , Shiro decided, was like the question of human marital customs: something he was not remotely qualified to address. "Right," he said before turning his attention back to his team—did he want to know why Pidge was dangling upside-down from Lance's shoulders? Probably not, he decided. "All right, guys, knock it off. We still have to get our supplies from the Lenk'terites taken care of before we can call it a day." If nothing else, they needed to get the perishables into stasis first thing. 

Lance groaned as Hunk spotted Pidge's flip off his shoulders. "There's a lot more manual labor in being a defender of the universe than the brochure said there would be, geez."

Shiro raised his eyebrows. "You don't have to help out if you don't want to, Lance." As Lance was perking up, he added, "Just don't expect us to share any of the Lenk'terites' fresh vegetables with you, either."

Lance heaved a sigh. "Ugh, _fine_ , if you're going to be that way about it." He shook his head sadly. "All the romance has gone out of this group marriage. And we didn't even get a honeymoon."

" _Ugh_." Pidge punched him in the side. "Thanks for the nightmares, Lance."

"Romance is dead," Lance wheezed as he clutched his ribs.

Shiro shook his head and looked at Allura. "I'm not really sure you want to take us as a representative sample of the species," he told her, but she just laughed and said she wouldn't care to do otherwise.


End file.
